The Wonderful World of Words

In a post not long ago (in a land not far away.....sorry, I couldn't resist) I mentioned that my 6 year old son Charley is completely uninterested in learning to read. As an unschooler, this doesn't concern me in the least. He's six. He has years and years to learn. He is active and busy and noisy and full of concoctions and projects and ideas, and someday, he will want to learn to read. Because we don't sit down at the kitchen table each day to do lessons, our learning happens spontaneously, within the context of our daily life. Charley has spent six years listening to his sisters spell out words and read street signs and follow recipes and today, the light bulb went on. I love it when this happens. It must be like how an engineer feels when they drive across the bridge they designed many years before.

I was sitting at my desk and he wandered into the room. He stood next to me for a few moments and began doodling on a piece of paper. A few more moments passed and he said, "Mom, is vomit spelled v-m-m?" I absent minded-ly replied that he was missing a few vowels, but was darn close. A moment later, I glanced at his paper and realized he was attempting to write the word vomit. I smiled and pointed out that he was hearing two of the sounds. Together we sounded out the o and the i, and then the t and he proudly wrote v-o-m-i-t on the paper. "Wow, Charley, you just wrote the word vomit!" He beamed.

As he was turning to walk out of the room, he giggled. "Hey Charley," I called, "why do you need to know how to spell vomit anyway?" He continued giggling. A few moments later, he asked me how to spell the words you and are. Then he asked me for the tape. Okay, so maybe it's not so nice to tape nasty signs on your big sister telling the world that she is vomit, but Charley, my six year old son is learning to read, and I'm proud.

A Good Enough Parent

I've been thinking a lot lately about good parenting. I spend lots of time every day observing the ways in which we treat our children and how we, as parents, move through the world. So much of my daily energy is spent reading, writing, and talking about kids and unschooling and parenting, it's easy for me to place myself upon a pedestal as unschooler/mom/teacher/parent- extraordinaire. But I'm not. Clearly. I have a lot to learn and screw up daily in various ways.

What's really got me thinking this week is how we each, in our own way, judge the parenting of others. Lately I have had several situations come up with other families where conflict needed to be resolved between our children. Naturally, as parents, we each advocated for our own kids and struggled to be respectful of the needs of the other. In both of these situations, my child was the aggressor, the bully, the one who did wrong. No one wants to be the parent of the bad kid, and no one wants their kid to live with the belief that they are bad.

Way back when, when I was still teaching, and before my own kids had come along, I believed strongly that difficult children came from difficult parents. If the kids screwed up at school, it certainly meant that Mom and Dad were not doing their job at home. I remember sitting in parent teacher conferences listening to parents, puzzled about their child's inability to sit still or follow directions, or stay on task, thinking, "If I were the parent, this child would be much different." Not many teachers admit to this kind of arrogance, but I think it's pretty common. Especially for those of us who hadn't yet experienced the shock and awe of watching your sweet, beautiful, perfect child do something completely unmentionable right before your very eyes.

I remember my best friend Jodi, also a teacher with no kids of her own, admitting this very belief to me shortly after Janey, my oldest went through her 18 months of terrorist behavior at the age of 2. Janey was beautiful and sweet and rosey cheeked and lovely. She had these amazing blonde curls and big, bright eyes. She was the picture of innocence. One day, while we were standing in line at the bank, she wandered up to another little girl, several years older than her, and with a big smile and a casual glance over her shoulder in my direction, she yanked on the little girl's pony tail so hard, she brought that sweet, innocent little girl to the ground in one swoop. It was horrifying in every way. And it forever changed my naive belief that good parenting makes for perfectly well behaved children.

I've learned a lot in the 9 years that have followed that fateful day at the bank. I'd like to think that I've moved past the need to prove to the world that I'm a good parent. But it's tough. Especially when your kid does some thing bad. The good news is that I'm learning. I'm learning that there are as many ways to parent a child as there are children in this world. And many of them are good enough. I really do believe that as parents we all do the best we can. And I also believe that in respecting another's way, I am honoring my way. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I do know what works for me. And that's good enough.

Best Homeschooling Sites of 2007

I just stumbled upon a contest for the best Homeschooling Site of the year. If you like this one, you can nominate me by clicking on the icon below (it's flashing, you can't miss it). If you could care less about this site or about contests, for that matter, clicking on that flashing icon will take you to a list of the sites people are nominating (listed individually in the comments section). Now that's super cool. If you have a site of your own, you can follow that same link to copy and paste the icon onto your site.

Yes, you can nominate yourself.

Yes, I did. It's good for my self esteem. So there.

The Wink

My daughter Janey is eleven years old and has a weekly babysitting job. She hangs out with a sweet and precocious two and half year old named Enny for about 3 hours. It has been an amazing thing, as her mom, to watch my little girl grow up right before my eyes. While she's babysitting, she is patient and kind. She is creative and laughs easily. If Enny innocently dumps out a box of 150 puzzle pieces, Janey giggles and calmly explains that it's clean up time. She doesn't lose her temper and she seems to have an endless supply of fun ideas and games at her fingertips at all times.

I remember fondly what it was like to have that kind of responsibility. It made me feel important and special and capable. I was the oldest child in my family as well, and babysitting for other families always came easily to me. As I wander in and out of the room on her babysitting days, I am amazed at this girl, my little girl, being slowly and gently transformed into a young woman.

The other day I was in the kitchen listening to Janey explaining to Enny that it was time to clean up the four games that were spread out on the floor. Enny didn't want to, but Janey insisted. "I wanna listen. Listen to Pooh," Enny protested, pointing to the stereo.
"The stereo's broken Enny, "Janey responded gently.
"No, I think it works just..." I blurted out before Janey cut me off as she peered over the pass through window and winked at me. You know, the wink.
"The stereo is broken right now Enny," she turned and winked at me again, "It's time for us to clean up and then we're going to go play outside." My jaw dropped.
"Outside! Outside!" Enny cheered and began putting Tinker Toys back into the bin. As they finished cleaning up and marched outside, I was overcome with emotion. Janey had learned the wink. Okay, she'd also learned that a little white lie can sometimes help move things along, but she had crossed the line from dependent child to capable, confident pre-teen babysitter. When did this happen? I was amazed.

Now, to be fair, she hasn't completely crossed that line for good. Just this morning I had to break up a pinching fight between she and her 6 year old brother over who was hogging the covers. Yesterday she complained for 20 minutes straight about how far we had to ride on our bikes to get to an appointment (it wasn't that far). She is only eleven, after all. But what a joy to watch her navigating her world and growing up little by little along the way.

The Post Halloween Blues

They're here once again, The Post Halloween Blues. All that excitement, all those costumes, all that candy. As I write, Charley is curled up in my bed with a tummy ache. He's decided that today will be a "no candy" day. I really struggle with the junk food aspect of this holiday. I love the costumes and the parade downtown and the glowing pumpkins. Going door to door is so friendly and seems to bring out the sweetness in most people. But the mountains of crap that enters my home afterwards leaves me reeling.

For years, we lived out in the country and didn't really trick or treat. We'd dress up and visit friends or go to a party. Last year we moved to town and the onslaught began. I couldn't believe how much candy came back to our house. I'm sure it was no more than I had when I was a kid, but it felt like an assault of sorts. We eat well most of the time. Sugary treats are just that. A treat, and we tend to choose them carefully. So last year I struggled with how to unschool Halloween.

The girls are pretty even keeled about the whole thing. They seem to know when to say when and just don't care about junk food that much. Charley, age 6, is another story. He becomes obsessed. When a friend mentioned that the Halloween Witch visited their house on Halloween night and traded candy for a special toy each year, my ears perked up. The kids asked whether I thought that would work at our house. Who knows? I said. Can't hurt to try. So the kids sifted through their treat bags, choose a handful of their favorites to keep, and left the rest next to the door for the Halloween Witch. And she came!!! Last year she brought some cool art supplies, but this year she must have been in a rush because she brought cash. The kids were happy to pick out their own new toy at a store downtown the next day.

It's still hard to see the kids consuming that much sugar in a short amount of time, but I'm glad they've found a way to keep us all a bit more sane. Charley is learning the hard way that too much crap feels well, crappy. I could say no and insist that he stop eating all that sugar, spare him the discomfort and engage in a battle of the wills. But I believe it's important for kids (and adults)to learn for themselves. I'm glad it's him choosing a no candy day today.

My Little Secret

I have this little secret. Every once in a while it sneaks up on me and rears it's ugly head. You see, part of my income every month comes from tutoring other homeschooled children. There, I said it. I tutor. Not so bad, you say? Well, here's where it trips me up.

The other day a mom was picking up her son. We had just spent the past hour playing math games together. Mancala, Set, Tic Tac Toe, Tangrams, Pattern Blocks, Uno, and a few card games I have made up that practice math facts. Every once in a while I break out the three corner flash cards because his mom wants to make sure he is comfortable with his basic facts. We have a great time. It doesn't feel like hard work because we are playing the entire hour. When I see that he is struggling with a particular concept, I come up with a game we can play that addresses his need. Sounds fine so far, right?

Here's the tricky part. I don't do this with my own kids. Oh, we play plenty of games. And our games always have educational value. Not because I'm screening them for academic muster, but because when you unschool, everything has educational value. The part I don't do is the constant monitoring and evaluating and tweaking to make sure my kids have learned enough. I don't need to. I believe that my kids have always learned enough. I evaluate them everyday simply by being with them, interacting with them, observing how they move through the world. For me, this is enough.

As the mom and I were chatting about our time together, I heard myself say, "He's doing so well. I'm seeing lots of progress." She responded by agreeing and explaining that she is so pleased with the progress her son is making. "He has been working so hard, I'm so pleased," she beamed. My teacher-ego puffed itself up. I was being complimented. Then my stomach turned. The unschooler in me couldn't help feeling discomfort. Progress and hard work imply that this child was not enough prior to this moment. That he has somehow been less than and is only now inching toward "good".

Schools, many teachers, and some homeschool philosophies will have us believe that kids aren't enough until they have reached a particular bench mark or memorized a set of facts. Everyone knows that you can't move on to fourth grade long division until you've mastered 2 digit multiplication......right? Yeah, okay, it's true. There are skills that are needed in order to move forward academically, but I don't buy the notion that kids should be held up to an artificial standard that doesn't have a place in their everyday lives. My kids don't have a need for long division mastery at this point. Someday they will. They will learn it at that time because it is relevant and they are ready and it will come easily to them because of it.

A few days later I hashed out my discomfort with a good friend, also an unschooler. I explained that my tutoring job makes me feel a bit like I have a double life. I tried to think of a time in my kids lives where it was important to impose a yard stick for improvement. Because learning at our house isn't framed in an atmosphere of milestones and progress, it was a struggle. I asked my friend if she thought there was anything wrong with me participating in this notion that a child needed to be tutored in order to measure up. My friend smiled. She reminded me that I have an ability to play with kids in a really fun, educational way. She reminded me that I have strengths and gifts to offer this child that his parents may not. She reminded me of the times that she and I have been able to mentor each others' children in various ways simply by being a different adult in their lives with a different set of skills and strengths.

This all makes sense to me now. One of the major benefits of homeschooling is that my kids have the opportunity to interact with many, many different adults on a regular basis. Just like the mom who drops off her child at my house to play math games, I rely on countless others to help me provide my kids with the care, nurturing, and stimulation they need in order to be happy and fulfilled. And, sadly, as a parent, I will also come up short. Just like my parents and their parents before them, there will be times when I will miss the mark and fail my children. It won't be intentional, but it will happen. In the meantime, I think I can continue tutoring with clear conscience.

Check Out This Month's Carnival: An Unschooling Life

I've discovered a new unschooling blog carnival called An Unschooling Life . They've included a post of mine in this month's edition. Yeah! There are some other really great ones included as well. Blog Carnivals are an easy way to access multiple sites on a particular topic. The host or hostess lists links and gives a brief description of each so you can just click your way through the page and end up in all kinds of interesting places.