Sore Tongue

Ouch.......I've been biting my tongue a lot this week.


Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the parts of my life which feel inconsistant. At park day last week a few of us got to talking about housework and chores and who does what. As the conversation carried on, I felt really clear. I've written here about my struggles with expecting (premeditated resentment, right?) help around the house on my terms. Most days I'm able to keep the nagging at bay, and take responsibility for my own needs for "neat and tidy" without demanding it of others. I ask for help or make my needs known and let others pitch in and help without demands, bribes, nagging, whining....whatever. But a few days passed and the conversation haunted me a bit.

I hadn't actually been walking my talk lately. It's not that I had suddenly assigned chores, or demanded made beds by noon or anything, but something about the whole housework situation wasn't sitting well with me. Mostly, I think it's about expectations. I've been carrying around an expectation that everyone else in the house has the same level of need for "neat and tidy". Not true. I think I've also been carrying around a beilef that if I remind sweetly (rather than nag loudly) that dishes go on the sink or remind someone (who will remain nameless, of course) that shoes go under the bench (for the one millionth time today) that one day I would wake up and these little annoyances will be gone.

The kids and I talked about it yesterday and I explained that I didn't think I was doing such a great job letting go of my need for control in this area and that it didn't feel respectful. I had lots more to say, but their eyes were glazing over and Charley suggested I just pay him for chores like at his dad's house and they'll get done real quick. Whatever. It's not so much a conversation that needed to happen but a shift on my part. More alignment with my beliefs, I suppose.

Therefore......I've been biting my tongue A LOT today. Shoes are not under the bench (ghastly!). Dishes didn't make it into the sink (horrors!). But I think I'll live. And it feels a bit more peaceful inside me.

Foiled Again

Every once in a while.....okay, more than every once in a while, I get caught trying to pull a fast one on my kids. It's not like I do it on purpose, it's just that I get overwhelmed and stressed (who, me?) and my pre-unschooling brain clicks in and I forget that my kids know better.

The other day, I was irritable and frustrated. I had a list of things that needed my attention, the house (read : my room)was chaotic and disorganized, and I was tired. As I loaded clothes into the washer and reviewed my mental to-do list, I barked out my demands to the girls (Charley was brilliantly nowhere to be found).

ME: (in my most grouchy voice)"Your rooms need to be picked up and laundry put away before lunch. I mean it! This place is a dump and I want some help around here....blah blah blah blah."

You get the idea. A few moments later, Janey glared at me....glare glare glare.

JANEY: (in her most sassy voice)"Uh, Mom. I hate to tell you this, but you've already let us know that our rooms are our business and unless I'm mistaken, none of my stuff is here in the living room right now, so why are you telling me to clean my room? That is totally unfair."

ME: "Oh. I guess you're right. Never mind. I guess I'll go clean my room now."

Darn. Foiled again.

The Friendly House

A friend stopped by today to pick her up child at my house. Today, like most days, my house was neither clean nor tidy. There was a puzzle in progress on the table. Lunch dishes hadn't been cleared yet. Two games were in various states of play on the floor. A stack of boxes, delivered by UPS a few days ago, stood next to the front door waiting to be opened and put away. The floor needed to be swept and there were a few piles of clothes at the bottom of the stairs. Most days, this doesn't bother me at all. This has not always been true. In the past I have spent much more mental and emotional energy wishing my house could be cleaner, wondering what others thought about me and my less than picture perfect home, and nagging on my kids to clean up. But I've come to realize that there is a lot more to a happy home than a perfectly clean house.

House cleaning has never been my favorite activity, especially if there's something else I'd rather do (like pretty much anything other than cleaning). Sure, I like it when the house is picked up and stuff is put away. I do savor those brief moments after I've tidied up and scrubbed the bathrooms and there's no laundry piled on the couch. There are times when I can really get into house cleaning. I turn up the music really loud and walk around using the toilet brush as a microphone. Admittedly, it can be fun. But really, I have many more things to do that are far important than keeping my house spotless. Did I mention that I share my home with three very busy and very messy children? I love my children dearly, but neat and tidy, they are not.

As unschoolers, we have lots of unscheduled time at home. This means more time for us to get out toys and games with many, many small pieces and parts, which don't always get put away right away. This means more meals that are cooked and eaten at home which do not always get cleaned up immediately following mealtime. When my kids were young, and I was still teaching, my house was much cleaner, because we were rarely in it. I remember longing for stretches of unscheduled time when we could just be home. What good is a clean house if you can't use it?

As I chatted with my friend, we picked up the pieces to a game and put them back in the box. The kids raced past us on their way to the hammock for one last ride before it was time to say good-bye. My friend looked around and smiled, "Becky, you have a very friendly house." I like that, because it is. Kids don't have to be afraid of breaking something at my house. Most spills and messes are easily cleaned up because there isn't anything particularly fancy to wreck or ruin. The next time I'm feeling self conscious about my housekeeping habits, all I need to do is look around me and remember why I make the choices that I do. I choose to fill our home with the fun stuff, and all the fun stuff can get messy: art supplies, puzzles, stacks of books, baskets of tiny figurines, legos, tinker toys, building blocks, car tracks, more stacks of books, board games, card games, magazines. Some might call it chaotic, disorganized, or messy. I prefer to think of it as a friendly, happy, kid centered home.